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03:25 pm: We are here.

The 15th anniversary show is two weeks away, and as usual, I still have extra movies planned to film in the coming days. One of them we just thought of yesterday. I think the excitement for the show inspires people. I know it always does me.
That's Dee on the poster. Two of the arms belong to Xtina and the other one is Dee's. We shot the photo in my studio the same night we filmed "Melpomene," the video that Dee directed and starred in along with Xtina. We roamed the streets of my little town until close to 2am I think. It reminded me of years part when friends and I shot stuff around those same places. I know we were in at least one of those alleys.
I concentrated on making it great. Dee has wonderful and specific ideas and she can see it all in her head, and usually draws it out on paper in her great sketchy cartoon style. I don't know what it's like to be that organized or to be able to envision things so clearly. Even when I was just a kid who liked to draw, I never knew what was going to happen when I put pen to paper. I just kind of followed where the lines went even though I couldn't see them.
It's been years since being the big idea person was something I wanted. I've had people tell me - not just in our crew but years ago by people I was in bands with and even classmates - that they followed me down whatever creative path I was going because of how into it I was, and how confident they were that it wasn't going to be a mistake. It's a humbling thought, especially considering I really had no idea if stuff was going to work or where we would end up. I just wanted everyone to have fun and be safe, and hopefully enjoy it enough to come with me on future adventures.
So far, that still hasn't been a problem. There's always someone who is ready to go, and that's the only reason why I've made it. My harshest critics have said I am nothing without at least one dedicated and talented person beside me, and while I think they expressed that to me out of fear and insecurity, it hit that same insecure nerve in me that constantly wonders how much time til the fun is over. I've always thought I was pretty good at knowing when something has run its course, but I think the reason Gonzoriffic has endured is because I try to be careful not to give more of it to anyone than their fair share. The only way it dies is when I say it dies, and no one else.
I wouldn't be so sentimental and care so much and keep at it the way I do if I was ready for this to all be over. I'm not tired. I'm not burnt out. I'm not done. I'm not sick. In many ways, each year feels like a restart. After the shows, the canvas is once again blank, and the paints are all there ready to be picked up by anyone who has something in their brain or their heart and wants to share it with me. And I in turn get excited to share it with you. That's always going to be a dream. That's always going to be what I want. I don't know how to live another way at this point.
See you at the show,

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